Where are you right now ?

A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel asked....

Baby: Mother, mother, may I ask you some questions?
Mother: Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?

Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.

Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does! Said the mother proudly.

Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight.
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride....

Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert...Then what the hell are we doing here in the Zzzoooooo!

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place"

(Where are you right now????????)

Tomato Story

YOU Will Know What Is Better When It Comes To Earning Money

Tomato Story
A Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed" he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email".
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation t hr ee times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,"I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire..........

How Project is Understood

Nice story to share

One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital. He jacked up the truck and removed the flat tyre to fix the spare tyre.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the 4 bolts in the open drain.
As he cannot fish the bolts in the open drain, he started to panic as to what should be done?
Just then, one patient happened to walk past him and asked the driver as to why he was looking troubled.
The driver thought to himself, since there is nothing much he can do or this mental joker can. Just to keep the bugging away, the truck driver informed the whole episode to the mental patient and gave a helpless look.
The patient just laughed at the truck driver and said “you just cannot even fix such a simple problem? No wonder you are destined to remain a truck driver for life".
The truck driver was astonished to hear such a compliment from a mental guy." Here is what you can do “said the mental guy
"Take one bolt from each of the remaining 3 tyres/wheels and fix it on to this tyre. Then drive down to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Isn’t it simple my friend ".
The truck driver was so impressed with this quick fix answer and asked the patient "how come you are so smart and intelligent and you are here at the mental hospital?"
The patient replied..." hello friend! I stay here because I am crazy but not stupid".
No wonder, there are some people, who behave like the Truck Driver, thinking that others are just stupid. So, guys, though you all are learned and wise, but, just watch out, there could be some CRAZY guys in our professional / personal lives, who could give us lot of quick fixes and brush our wisdom.
The moral of the story is - just do not conclude that you know everything and do not judge people by mere looks/ attire stature or academic background.

Singly ….you exist

Jointly ….we flourish

This world cup has turned out like World War II!

The Italians went missing,

The French surrendered early,

The Japanese are trying to show their power,

The Americans arrived last minute,

and

The English are left to fight the Germans.!!!

INTERESTING CHAT

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)  

Developer (Mukesh Thakur)  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello:  I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello:  I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello:  I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

Machines..

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur:  Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello:  I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur:  What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello:  Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello:  I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noise.

Roshan D'Mello:   No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur:  ??

Result
-----------------------
Mukesh is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

Awesome story....

A Junior Software engineer, a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.
Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he was also gone.
The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is:

Always allow the boss to speak first..!

Server Bole to!!!.....

First year was the most hectic year in my engineering academic life. On one side I was about to leave Physics and Chemistry forever and on other side I was about to join the geek world.

Scene:First year computer practical exam.

Venue:Computer Lab

Time:The worst possible time...Around 12 o’clock.
The last day of my first year exams and the biggest mountain is still not conquered - “Computer Practical”. The only thing I learned in last one year is to differentiate between a CPU and a monitor. This is the only true knowledge I have about this subject.
Let me look at the search and sort program again.
Scanf then printf….Oops…printf then scanf… # include iostream.h…#include conio.h…clrscr()
Oh...God...I wish that share folder still exists… I hope the netsend command still works.

God...Help me… main ()…curly brackets open….
Oops !! There he is, the most brilliant student of our class Janeesh K.J , the one who asked doubt to our Mechanical faculty on the first day itself. A tough question “Sir, is it possible to store data on WordStar instead of Access “.

Ghosh!!! What’s WordStar?? What’s Access??I am going to fail.
He looks too cool. Boy…5 more minutes left... C came after B…now we have C++ and VC++…C was discovered/invented (not sure) by Dennis Richie….

I can hear one of the gal asking Janeesh “What’s ANSI C ?”
Oops...I don’t know even that...Probably discovered by Ancy… so C was discovered by both Dennis and Ancy… might behusband - wife.
Here comes the lab assistant.
“Guys get in!!!”
So at last the time has come. Utmost one more supplementary. Huh!!! Karthik …you have been through these situations now and then … bravo...Come on!!!!

I entered the lab with shaking hands...legs…entire body...
Oh that’s my system!!!! It’s still vacant…my shared drives…. Ha ha ha ..great
“Hey…take this system…sit according to your rollnumber” (In came the voice of lab assistant)
What the…H*%$ is it….?
Hey even this system is far from the faculty’s desk. This is great.
“Now !!  turn over the sheet of paper on your desk, you have to complete the task in 3 hours. First write down the algorithm and then start doing the program.”
So...This is it… Come on…let’s see what’s in there….

Write a program to sort  N natural numbers in ascending order and then perform search operation.

(PS: Use Bubble sort and binary search).
Nice question the one I have mugged up. Take this Compy – Dompy…
#include iostream.h…#include conio.h..main()….
Its’ over and still plenty of time left. Let me see what others are doing. Oh !! God they all are gone. Was this paper that easy!!
“Karthik are you finished with the work?”
“Yes Mam”
“OK !! show me the output”
“Here it is...” ...Ctrl+F9
“Okay..that looks okay..it could have been better…you should add comments where ever possible…”…bla bla bla..and one more bla….
Oh !!! she is gone….hmmm..she will never get satisfied…anyways..It’s over…

I started going towards the door
“Karthik !!! where r u going? Come over here. You still have VIVA left.”
Huh !!! Not again !!!
“Please sit “
“Thank you “
“Okay !! Tell me..What is a computer”
‘A computer is an electronic device…….tttttrrrrrrrrrrppppppp”..
I am the best..I am the best..I am the best.. Yah I am best
“What r macros?”
‘Sorry’

Did she hear me saying I am the best…
“What r libraries”
‘Pardon’
“What are command line arguments?”
‘Don’t know’
“What are inbuilt functions?”
‘Can u please repeat the question……’

Are these questions from Computer Science!!!! Huh !!!
“Okay one last question…Show me where is the serverin our lab”
Hmmm….Server is something big…yah it’s very big….bigger than CPU and monitor…now I have to find where it is….hmmm…
not that…that’s a switch board…not even that...that’s AC….hmmmm…which one is the server…..Oopps…that’s her again…
“Hey !!! Stop revolving in your chair and tell me..Which is the server?”
Hey that looks like a server….
’There it is’.…(pointing hand towards the UPS, but the faculty thought Karthik was pointing towards the system..kept on the table )
“Good…Why didn’t you tell me earlier if you knew that? Actually no one answered it correctly...Good keep it up”
“Thank you mam..thanks  a lot…”

Yahoooo…..last ball..sixer..yipeeee………………….
From then on I never looked back, within hours I became the hero of the class. People started coming to me with their doubts.
I cleared all their doubts. Even that svelte gal came and asked “What’s ANSI C ?”. Till date she thinks Richie and Ancy are husband and wife.

Software Engineers never die…

કેટલાક લોકો એમની આખી જીંદગી 'ઇન્ટેલિજન્ટ' થવા પાછળ ખરચી નાંખે છે. જયારે અમુક લોકો જન્મથી જ 'ગુજરાતી' હોય છે !!

Software Engineers never die… They just go Offline ….  :)

Interesting equation

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work

************ **

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs

************ **

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs

************ **

Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

Wish all the pigs happy forever.

HOW SOFTWARE COMPANIES HIRE PEOPLE?

HOW SOFTWARE COMPANIES HIRE PEOPLE?

Cognizant Method :

Hire a lion.. ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more........ and more .......

TCS method:
Hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM's metbod:
hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour... he dies of unemployment. ..

Syntel Method:

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
Lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:
Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion,

send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories,

tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.

Polaris Method:
hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Patni method:
hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining.....

Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........! !!!

Accenture Method:

*Hire a lion.... **
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water...and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

Rajnikant's Gmail ID --- KILLER !!!

What is Rajnikant's Gmail ID?????

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Gmail@Rajnikant.com

Living in 2010 .... Ridiculously True

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

A timeless story ....Side effects of systematic working in BIG CORPORATE

Learn somthing from the story above!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work priority, with priority of work,
is the ladder to success!!

A timeless story ....Side effects of systematic working in BIG CORPORATE
A story told by an IIM professor regarding the side effects of systematic working :-
After completion of Lanka War Hanumanji was enjoying LTA with his friends, he got an email on his laptop from Accounts requesting him to clear his dues before 31st March related with his tour to bring Sanjivani Booti for Laxmanji. He ignored the first mail.But after 3 - 4 reminders in two days time & receiving a call on CUG Mobile from Accounts Dept., he flew to Ayodhya canceling his leave.
He submitted:-  TA, DA Bill,  Bills of Sushen Vaidya, Hospital Charges for getting injured by Bharatji during his travel at Ayodhya,  Cost of Sanjeevani Booti, Transport charges

(1) Where is your tour sanction report ?  Asked the HR & ADMIN Dept. Hanumanji got it done by requesting to concerned officials 2 or 3 times.
(2) Hanumanji claimed T.A. bill for air travel but he was given only second class sleeper charges & all other expenses on medical , Sanjeevani Booti, Fee of Sushen Vaidya were not reimbursed. When he asked for the reasons,

(a) he was told that he is entitled for IInd class sleeper only.

(b) He can not get claim for other things as he does not have bills.

When Ramji ordered the related official to pay for Air travel & other charges as claimed by Hanumanji. The officer came with the rule book& said to Ramji " These rules are created by the grand father of  Dasharathji, If you want to overrule your forefathers I don't have any problem." Ramji became speechless. Then he thought for another way. He called Hanumanji & gave him the claimed amount in cash, But can Hanumanji take cash money from Ramji ? Hanumanji told " How can I take money from you ? Laxmanji is equally reverend to me as you are. " In  his heart of hearts Hanumanji thought why he listened to accounts fellow, cut short his LTA, completed all the formalities & put Shriram in such an awkward position where he has to offer money to me.
Hanumanji continued his work with the same attachment as he used to after this incidence also, but those who didn't have equal attachment with Shriram & his organization, learnt a different lesson.

MORAL OF THE STORY :

"Not to do anything without proper sanctions FROM HR & ADMIN / ACCOUNTS, bills, gate pass etc. whatsoever may be the
urgency or importance of the job" (AT the most Laxmanji will   die nothing more will happen).

Wednesday for S/W engineer

All of you who have seen the movie ‘A Wednesday’... will love it...

Commissioner Rathore (Anupam Kher): Kaun ho tum??? Kya pehchaan hai tumhaari?

Unknown Caller (Nasiruddin Shah) :  Kaun huun main... Main vo hunn jo
aaj commitment karne se darta hai, Main vo hunn jo aaj ghar jaane se
darta ha, ye soch ke kahin ghar vaale pehchaanne se inqaar na kar
de...

Main vo huun jo, aaj job change karta hai to sochta hai ki kahin
recession mujhe company se na nikaal de..

Main vo huun jiski girlfriend use Friday  ko dus bar phone karti hai,
“Kya kar rahe ho?? Kaam Zyaada hai?? Thak gaye ho??”

Mera haal puuchne ke liye ya kaam puuchne ke liye nahin,  Rathore
saahab... balki vo ye jaan na chaahti hai ki... kahin hamesha ki tarah
end moment pe boss ke bulaane pe main Saturday ki date cancel to nahin
kar raha...

Main vo huun to breakfast ke time pe dinner karta hai, lunch time pe
breakfast karta hai, dinner ke time pe lunch karta hai.. vo bhi time
mil jaaye to...

Main vo huun jo aksar fansta hai.

Kabhi Interviews ke savaal mein fansta hai , kabhi badi companiyon ke
jaal mein fansta hai, kabhi boss  aur client ke bawaal mein fansta
hai.

Project office ki bheed  to dekhi hogi aapne Rathore saahab... Us
bheed mein se ko bhi chehra chuun leejiye.. Main vo huun..

I’m the same old ..STUPID SOFTWARE ENGINEER!!!!

1 min time pass - nothing to get but good one...

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... "Aam hai kya?"
The shopkeeper
says ... "Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte."

Next day at the same time, the parrot
goes again and asks him ..."Aam hai kya ?"

He gets a little irritated and
says... "Aare Bola na, Hum Aam nahi Bechte"



On the third day, the parrot
goes again and asks him "Aam hai kya ?"

He gets wild and yells ..."Bola na
naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar"




The next day,the
parrot comes again and asks him .. "hathoda hai kya ?" The shopkeeper says
... "Nahi" The parrot then asks ... "Aam hai kya ?"

Cool one

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, Sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.

"Yes, I am," replied the man. "But, how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how to make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more.'

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"Yes, I am," replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?"

"Simple," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air within. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."

Corporate Story...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Cannibals

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don't eat a person who is working."

Honest Inferences !!

------------------------------------------------------------

You love someone,

You marry someone else !

The one you marry becomes your spouse !

And the one you loved becomes .............

the password of your mail id !!

------------------------------------------------------------

There's only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world.............

and every neighbor has it !!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects !!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Husband and wife are like liver and kidney.

Husband is the liver and the wife is the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails.

If the kidney fails .........

the liver manages with other kidney !!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Generation Next Motto:

Neither will I marry

Nor I will allow my children to marry !!

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Drug and Wine ?

Drug is like a girlfriend that comes with an expiry date.

Wine is like a wife, The older it gets, longer the chatter !!

------------------------------------------------------------

The Japanese have produced a camera

that has such .. such a fast shutter speed that...........

it is capable of taking a picture of a woman with her mouth shut !!

------------------------------------------------------------