Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Newton's laws of softwares....

Motion Law 1.....: "A body continues to maintain its state of rest or of uniform motion unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force."

Software Law 1...: "Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager."

Motion Law 2.....: "The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force"

Software Law 2...: "he rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied."

Motion Law 3.....: "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"

Software Law 3...: "For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation."

and as a BONUS :)

Software Law 4...: "Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant."

Friday, December 26, 2008

Software Engineers

There was a good old barber . One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies : I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...... Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ...

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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOLO SOFTWARE ENGINEER KI JAY

Monday, December 22, 2008

Amazing Software Quotes!!!

Great Software Quotes .... !!!

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

--Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable!!

--Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

--Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.

Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.

Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why.

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free!!! (so true)

--Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.

--Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise for non-participants

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?' Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

--Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

--Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

--Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?

--Richard A. O'Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

--Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.

--Bertrand Meyer

(Thoughtful...)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

--Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

--Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 10% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

--Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

--Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

--Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off."

--Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

--Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

--Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

--attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

--Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .

--Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C "wears well as one's experience with it grows." With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.

--Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability

--Edsger W.Dijkstra

I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

--Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:

Rule 1: Don't do it.

Rule 2 (for experts only): Don't do it yet.

--M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

--Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written, and another for which it wasn't.

--Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

--Putt's Law

Copy and paste is a design error

--David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.

--Eagleson's law

The primary duty of an exception handler is to get the error out of the lap of the programmer and into the surprised face of the user. Provided you keep this cardinal rule in mind, you can't go far wrong.

--Verity Stob

Reaction of Bosses in times of Recession

With economies world over slipping into recession and companies facing the pressure, the bosses are trying to align themselves to the changing time, trying their best to improve the productivity and get more work done....

See how the relationship between the boss and the employee changes during the recession.

In the beginning of the recession...

Boss: Be good, you will be just fine.


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After a few weeks

Boss: Must Work Hard ok?


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After a Month!

Must Work Hard you bugger!

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After a Quarter....

Can you hear me? you must work hard!

Statements !!

Forgiving or punishing
the terrorists is left to God.
But fixing their appointment
with God is our responsibility.
- Indian Army

Updated statement for this...

In S/W industry

Forgiving or punishing
the Developer is left to Manager.
But fixing their appointment
with Manager is our responsibility.
- Tester

Forgiving or punishing
the Manager is left to Client.
But fixing their appointment
with Client is our responsibility.
- Developer

Thursday, December 18, 2008

M i s t a k e . . .

If a barber makes a mistake, it is a new style....

If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake, it is an operation...

If an engineer makes a mistake, it is a new venture...

If parents make a mistake, it is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...

If Your Boss makes a mistake, it is your mistake

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Management Lesson

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s**t!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

MORAL: Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client...!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

How To Recruit The Right Person For The Right Job

 

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in operations.
If they are sleeping put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in operations.
If they are sleeping put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.


 

Monday, December 15, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How Stock Markets works !!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how Stock Markets works !!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Dil Se

See How much Software Engineers are adjusting


Monday, December 1, 2008